Okay please read with caution – This is my truth – Right now I feel vulnerable as all heck. However I am so eternally grateful for the insight Dr. Mate brings to the world and I found no better way to share it with you than to make it personal. In applying what I learned from him through the many hours of viewing him on You Tube, reading In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and attending the NWIAS conference / meeting him in person!!! I am discovering myself.
Okay – I no longer want to be the baby on the floor board of my father’s red Ford pick-up truck. The one that get’s left behind at 5 am as my family goes to work the fields. The baby who cries out as the temperature drops from a warm comforting heat to freezing cold by the time I am found at noon. Blue lips, eyes swollen shut and soiled from head to foot. I don’t want to be that baby anymore and I finally get that I am that baby.
Abandoned, cold, feeling unwanted, oh that’s not a feeling – that’s a perception. Feeling unloved – no that’s not a feeling either that’s a perception or interpretation or a message I made about my worthiness or the lack of it.
Dr. Mate would say what’s the truth? The truth is my parents had to work – my mother had to do what my father told her because women listened to their men. Her – or them leaving me had absolutely nothing to do with me or how they felt about me. Even though their behavior demonstrates lack of love only they knew their intent.
I was scared, frightened, feelings of terror that no one would come for me. The truth is I had a right to feel all of the painful feelings I felt. I can cry now for my experience. And I can show love to the little baby that never got it. I can hug her goodnight and write songs about how valuable she is.
“I am the oxygen that I need to breath.” When I first wrote the song it started by saying – You are the oxygen that I need to breath. I rewrote the lyrics after meeting Dr. Mate!!!
Hearing Dr. Mate say to all of us at the conference in his soft soothing and assuring voice “Awe I get it – you hurt right now” reminded me of my dear friend Lafa who also talks soothingly to little Diego as he cries out loud as if in tremendous pain – her saying – “What’s the matter little mister” with such love in her voice. My heart leaps for joy that little Diego will grow strong and sure of himself!!!
I can talk to my little baby inside me like that. Reassure my baby – Awe I get it…my heart hurts, I’m lonely, I need connection – in the past the connection came at all cost. Today the connection I seek is with me.
Reliving this experience is a tremendously lonely and painful time – but I do get it. For so long I didn’t want to be that baby left behind on the floorboard and I am that baby left behind on the floorboard.
That is what Dr. Mate was trying to say. It is that awareness coupled with learning the real truth from that experience. Not from an adult perspective that also dismisses the baby infant experience but from a compassionate space where I can give the baby the love it yearns for so hungrily. I finally get that baby can now get its needs met best by me.
Dr. Mate demonstrated another perspective of the truth when he asked the audience to add other perspectives of the scenarios shared. It was enlightening!
Another truth for me is that my parents had to work – that was their priority – AND I am still valuable, lovable, even whole. I am complete. When I crave that man love or feel the tremendous grief and loss from lost love – I commit to reminding myself that I am whole – I always have been – I always was – it was my interpretation of the experience that made me feel less than or broken – which again are not even feelings. Scared, hurt, frightened. Oh my goodness. This is big.
This is big because I get it now that every time I yearned for a man it was the baby on the floor board reliving the pain and suffering from the interpretations I made in my head. It f….. hurts right now but it is as if for once this hurt is an intentional walk through Pain Avenue to get to Destination Wholeness – Coming Home!
My grace filled life after addiction -I get to hang out with me – the wholeness me – which is who I really am! Thank you Dr. Mate and everyone who played a part in bringing him to Portland!!!