Grace On You 01.16.2021
I know. I’ve been gone and now I am back! So much to tell within this world that is going though so much. Nuances! Decisions. Divine Interventions! Soul Searching found me at this moment in time!
Did I mention awareness. I attended a DBT Training by Dr. Erica Tan. Wow! I allowed transparency to flow out of me. The type of transparency that brings true vulnerability – in front of my peers at work. The topic was effective communication and all that that entails. I shared one of my favorite therapists, Barbara Gould at Kaiser shared that I will have many friends. Some friends do all the talking. Some are great listeners. And others share the floor, and we have mutual conversations where we both feel heard and experience growth from being active listeners! Barbara went on to share that I will call different friends depending on what my needs are.
As I shared that in this DBT training, I felt emotions within me bubble up. Dr. Tan was sharing how important it is to say how we feel in the moment then provided examples. This led me to ponder. And as I pondered the feeling began to make itself known to me and that same feeling made it very clear to me that I had to say it out loud. Yikes and I did. I said it. One of my greatest fears is that if I was to make my needs be known I might lose all my friends – catastrophizing. That was hurtful to admit and necessary to be said.
At the time I felt a lump in my throat. Dr. Tan was wonderful in that she affirmed what I was feeling. I don’t recall exactly what she said all I know is that the lump dissolved in my throat a little. I came home and cried. Could it be that I have gone most of my life afraid that I would lose all of my friends because I might appear too needy or worse not feel worthy of… or worthless?
Or the black and white thinking where I choose to throw the baby out with the bath water in that I stop reaching out to friends instead of saying how I feel. Yikes, more transparency! I have some incredible friends who I know would drop whatever they are doing if and when I needed support! I am so grateful to them. You know who you are!!! Thank you!
Hence, my goal for today is to become a better friend by reaching out to my over the moon friendships!!!
This light bulb moment (fearing I’m not good enough) is over the moon significant for me!!! I am kicking the lump in my throat to the curb! And if someone kicks me to the curb for… then blessings to them! In Calling In The One by Kathrine Woodward Thomas one of the lessons is to not attach to the outcome!
You might ask from where this change has come? Look around, the world as we knew it ceases to exist! It is time to unite! It is time to love! It is time to be!
And psst – I am onto a new adventure! One where emotions are felt, identified and released!!!
For now Love, Love, Love!!!